An Evil Science

Being an evil scientist takes skill. As in any scientific career, there are ups and there are downs, and there are times when it seems the whole world is against you. The true challenge for any evil scientist worth their mojo is to take those knocks, dust themselves off, and try once again to conquer the universe.

Dr. Evil epitomizes the type of evil scientist we expect to hold the world at ransom: sarcastic wit, diabolical schemes, futuristic clothing, and an ability to escape unharmed from nuclear explosions. Evil's training--he attended Evil Medical School--has served him well during his postdoctoral career, where from the inner sanctum of a hollowed-out volcano he plots his next chaos-inducing experiment. An expert in cross-disciplinary subjects, Evil is a master of designing tools to overthrow authorities and instill fear--a gigantic spaceship, a time machine, and a laser are just some of his creations. Coming up with novel concepts is part and parcel of a deranged scientific career and a skill all evilists need: One of Evil's pet projects--sharks with lasers attached to their heads--shows the extent of his genius.

"My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons," says the son of a Belgian boulangerie owner and a French escort girl with webbed feet. Like so many cunning villains, Evil's day consists of finding new ways to outwit and destroy his archnemesis--Austin Powers--and gain control of the world. But, as many evil and mad scientists find out, there's a price to pay for such determination: In his quest for universal dominance, Evil essentially abandoned his son, Scott, deepening the rocky gorge of emotions between evil scientist and son. Scott--who wants to be a petting zoo veterinarian--subsequently finds it difficult to communicate with his father. But like a true evil professional, Evil doesn't let such personal discord cloud his judgment: "No, actually the boy is very astute. I really do want to kill him," he explains to a family therapist.

Such focus and indifference are key qualities of an evil scientist. But you have to be ready to exploit the latest technological advances--genetic engineering, for example--to meet your needs. Of his pint-sized clone Mini-Me, Evil remarks, "he fits easily into most overhead storage bins," and so reveals the resourceful cunning of an evil scientist. Aside from such shrewd foresight, a career in the evil sciences also requires coming up with a catchphrase, a gesture, or maniacal laugh--qualities prospective students need to master in order to achieve tenure in evilism.

So is it a good career move? Evil definitely thinks so. Unlike the majority of today's law-abiding researchers, evil scientists are not burdened by the grant application process or by grantwriting troubles--the money is there for the taking. "Why make trillions, when we could make billions?" asks Evil. The world is out there, and it can all be yours if you master the evil ways. And, as Dr. Evil says with great enthusiasm and fortitude: "I'll see you in the future, Mr. Powers!"...Your hollowed out volcano awaits.

Happy April Fool's!!

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